I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
