my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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