Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
