In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
