She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
