one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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