thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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