He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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