I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
