I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
