I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
