It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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