I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
