I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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