Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
