just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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