We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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