Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
