You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
