So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
