i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
