so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
In America we eat man semen.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
