Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
