we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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