Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
