I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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