Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
