Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
