considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
3 2 1 whiskey
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
