So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
