Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
