when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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