btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
