What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
