I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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