I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
