The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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