So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I fill condoms, not promises.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
