he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
