did you get engaged???
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
