Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
