Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
