the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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