What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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