We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
