just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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