Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
