we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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