apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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