There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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