apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
