I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
